Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
