remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
