Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
