He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
