Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
