The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
