can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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