I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
