I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I should be sponsored by Trojan
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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