i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I just found a bag of teeth...
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I think people are normalizing furries
My vagina is very pro this idea
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
