so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
