Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
