Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
FUCK WHALES
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
