My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Just cropdusted the office
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
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