glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
