He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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