Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
