if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize