Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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