I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
It's shark week go big or go home
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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