i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
