The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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