dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize