I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize
