So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Randomize
