He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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