i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
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