I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize