Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
