The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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