worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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