1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
