so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Randomize
