I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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