I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Come share oat with me in your robe
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
