Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i love accidental penises.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Randomize
