Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
