Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
