If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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