Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
