i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
