I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
