I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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