my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
