she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
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