I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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