she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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