And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
