my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Randomize
