Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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