yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
