I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize