So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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