So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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