just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
The best revenge is premature balding
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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