dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
