im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
