I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
