Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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