this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
