I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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