he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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