My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
