I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
