It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I need to stop coming to work sober
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize