this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
